Robyn.Bowles.es

At our last Preparation class there were three couples who had delivered their babies in the past week and a half!

This course is unique in that it lasts 12 weeks, unlike the more traditional 6-week courses, and normally the due dates of the participants span a couple of months. Because of the August holiday (“everything” closes in August) we also have two couples in our group who are due the end of September.

We were able to hear the birth stories of two of the couples. The third will share their story next week.

One of the couples had a difficult story to tell. At the very first class when we all introduced ourselves, the husband did most of the talking and shared his strong aversion to anything traditionally medical. He did NOT want his wife to deliver in a hospital, but was opting for a home birth, instead. He shared his opinions and distrust of the medical profession very strongly as his wife sat quietly next to him.

On Wednesday they sat with the rest of us with their beautiful, healthy baby breastfeeding tranquilly. When it was their turn to tell their story, Lora started by talking about her contractions: when they started, how close they got, and also how strong and painful they became. She started to get tearful then confessed that after almost 15 hours, she could not tolerate them anymore and decided she needed to go to the hospital for an epidural. We all knew how much they (at least he) wanted a home birth and the three of us in class who had had difficult previous deliveries could relate with the disappointment. (Thankfully, the other two could give her the words of comfort I didn’t know how to say in Spanish).

Her husband then continued the story, but with a much different tone. He spoke strongly of how it was “torture” for him to go to the hospital because he never wanted to end up there. That in the end she needed a forceps delivery and he was made to wait outside the room and therefore was not able to be present for the birth of his son. That although he tried to exercise his rights and desires, he quickly realized that he would have to acquiesce to the protocols of the hospital. He was obviously still angry about this, and it became clear that his anger was directed toward his wife for her “inability” to birth at home.

She tearfully added that she felt more sorry for him because his desires weren’t realized. She also admitted that she had always had doubts about her ability to birth at home or even without pain medication.

He spoke of how he would have felt differently if they had had to go to the hospital because of a complication or something, but it was clear that to him, her inability to tolerate the pain any longer was not reason enough.

It was a tense discussion. We spoke a lot about pain tolerance and every persons different ability to tolerate pain, and that we can not anticipate how we will respond to it – especially if exhausted, fearful or tense.

The husband was very forthright about the tension this experience had created in their marriage, but that it was also not something new. My heart ached for Lora as she sat basically being shamed by her husband for not being able to fulfill his dream. One of the other women in our class vocalized what we had all been thinking: “It is very strong the things you are saying about Lora; I would not want to hear the things you are saying.”

I pray for this couple and for the healing they need. Especially for Lora and the shame, disappointment, loneliness and feelings of failure she must be experiencing. I hope that despite the uncomfortable boldness of what was shared, that good will come of it. At least the truth has been brought to light, and I hope that their friends and the midwives can counsel her and them through this difficult time.

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