Robyn.Bowles.es

Why Spain? Why am I even planning to leave? What do I hope to gain from this move?
These are questions I’ve pondered – mostly on a surface level, with a few moments of depth. Not to say that it is for shallow reasons that I go, just that I haven’t made the time to really, truly, deeply wrestle with those questions.

I think that would be my first reason: the very fact that my life is so busy, so full, so overwhelmed, that I don’t even have the energy or opportunity to meditate on the things most important to me – the thoughts, ideas, values and people that shape who I am. Sometimes I don’t know who that is, I’m too busy to figure it out. I remember thinking when I was in college “when I’m finally done, then I’ll have time to enjoy. . . ” and to a certain extent, that is true. I am not burdened by homework and tests and the fear of “the professional world.” I am, however, burdened. I crave deeply to throw off those burdens and know what it is to be free.

Samuel is concerned that “busy-ness” is ingrained in who I am. That my natural tendency is to be constantly busy, focused, agenda-oriented. We both hope that he is wrong, and that this new experience will offer the opportunity to be free (at least, more free).

I don’t want to be lazy, or bored. . . yet, I suppose, there is some value to be found in both of those things. I hope that this change of life will afford the opportunity for me (and us) to explore the dreams and interests that have too long been placed on the back burner, behind the huge kettle of simmering other-stuff. I want to light the fire of those desires, and douse those of the others.

Singing, writing, building meaningful relationships with my husband and others, both in Spain, and at home: Those are the desires of my heart, too long quenched by an absent flame.

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